Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I promise, I won't spontaneously combust

As a local government employee in the greatest, most industrialized, most powerful nation on earth, it is only logical that I not have maternity leave. After all, that's something that only exists in... PRACTICALLY EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!

Wow. That Wikipedia article made me cry a little bit. Women in Azerbaijan get 18 weeks at 100% of their salary, and here I am trying to scrape together all of my sick and vacation days so that I can at least have enough time to teach Belly how to microwave milk and call 911 if there's an emergency.

So, at 39 weeks pregnant, and with my cervix dilated to two centimeters, I am still being hoisted up from bed every morning in order to go to work. And I plan to do this until I am physically removed from my office because the yelling from the pain of my contractions is scaring away the customers.

The truth (or what I've brainwashed myself to believe) is that it's not so bad. I feel pretty good for being 39 weeks pregnant, plus, if I stayed home all day, I would just check my drawers every ten minutes to see if I'm leaking amniotic fluid. Working helps me to not obsess about when this baby is going to come. Yea. It's good for my mental health. It keeps me active. Yea. Yea. Going to work every day is just great. I could not be happier.

Big E and Uli, however, do not share my joy. They are convinced that I am going to go into labor and have the kid on the highway on my way to the office. Because you know, babies, especially in the case of first time moms, are born in a matter of seconds. Bam! Even I could miss the birth if I don't pay close attention.

My co-workers, on the other hand, are quivering with the fear that "it" will happen in the office. They've made sure to inform me that none of them know how to deliver a baby. Oh no! Who will help me when I spontaneously combust and produce another human being?

I know that everyone is just worried and wants me to have a pleasant birth experience, but there is no reason to be so alarmed at the sight of a 39 week old bump.

And, maybe if I have the kid at work, the experience will be so traumatic for everyone that it will compel the powers that be to change the maternity leave policy!


  1. rest assured, if you happen to believe the moment has come, i'll be more than happy to help you across the street so you can traumatize the city manager. THAT'S how we roll!

  2. Yea...but we are number one, with the authority, of course, "to introduce the nose" in all other countrie's business.