Tuesday, January 5, 2010


A fresh start. A clean slate. A new beginning. That's what each January is supposed to be about, right? Well, coincidentally, I've been feeling like an updated version of myself lately. 2009 was a transformative year. At first it was awesome, and then it kicked my ass so hard it knocked me unconscious. Now, in 2010, I am waking up from that coma with a completely new outlook. Things are so much more in focus.

Last year, my dad died in an accident, or at least that's what the death certificate says. But how can something so important as life and death be accidental? I have accidents all the time. An accident is when I spill tea on my shirt, or ignore my bladder for so long, a trickle comes out right before I can unzip my jeans.

I'm sorry, but ceasing to exist is not on the same level as peeing my pants.

It doesn't make sense to live a bunch of years and love a bunch of people, just to randomly fall off a ladder one day and stop. No. My dad's death, just like his life, has to have a purpose. A purpose for those he left behind.

That's my resolution for this year. To figure out what the purpose of his death is in my life. And I can tell you one thing, even though I miss him terribly, he didn't die for me to sit around and be sad all the time. That would be a complete waste.

He also didn't die to be forgotten. My dad led a great life and my brother and I are immeasurably lucky to have had his example all these years. Sadly, Luki will not be as fortunate. So, as part of my New Year's resolution, I'm going to write my son a weekly letter about his grandpa: things I remember, lessons he taught me, funny anecdotes, etc. It's the least I can do, and it would be a great disservice to Luki if I didn't try to share with him all that my father gave to me. I plan to publish them every Wednesday for 52 weeks. Be on the lookout for the first one tomorrow!

So, that's the plan. That's how I begin my quest to make sense out of this tragedy.

Last year I started writing in this blog. I had a baby. My dad died. Those things didn't all happen arbitrarily. They are the variables to an equation I hope to solve in 2010.

1 comment:

  1. Ailen, I love the idea of telling Luki each week about your dad. How amazing it will be to have so many memories and stories compiled so that now and years to come (when you're an abuelita!), these stories will be passed down the generations.
    I really look forward to learning more about Don Ulises.