Two weeks notice

I'm not going to lie, being home with Luki for the past 11+ weeks has been the most challenging, demanding, and exhausting job I've ever had. So, there is a minuscule part of me that is glad to be going back to work in two weeks. That same part is also very excited about the thought of going out into the world and having conversations in which the other party actually responds with words. Minuscule me can't wait to get back to my routine, to listen to NPR on the way to the office, read the news online, get back 'in the loop' about important things such as John and Kate's divorce the state of our nation's healthcare.

But the rest of me, the vast majority of my person, feels heartbroken, anxious, and...guilty. I just wish I had more time! Just when Luki's starting to act like an actual human baby (as opposed to the boobaholic ball of gas he was for his first 10 weeks of life), I have to abandon him for eight hours a day. It doesn't seem fair! …I've already gotten on my soap box about the lack of maternity leave at my job, so I'm not going to go there again.

However, I will say that this whole motherhood thing is a mosaic of so many damn emotions, I could plaster the walls of a freakin' cathedral. I feel guilty for leaving my baby and for looking forward to being out of the house. I feel anxious about the nanny we hired to take care of him...she seems like she will do a great job, but what if she doesn't? I'm happy Luki is exclusively breastfed, but hate the bovine aspect of having to pump milk. Add to all that the fact that, for some bizarre reason, and for the first time in my life, I'm starting to actually care about what other people think. Or what I imagine other people are thinking. I’ve convinced myself that I have a contingent of relatives and acquaintances who judge me and think I’m a terrible mother for going back to work…and, at the same time, there’s a whole other group who, should I decide to stay home, would think me bourgie, or be appalled that I, a loudmouthed supporter of gender equality, could take on such a traditional role. Oh, the PARANOIA that comes with childbirth….this must be what doing meth feels like.

I blame my father and his sperm containing the X chromosome for all this, because I really don’t think I’d be having these feelings if I was Luki’s daddy. My favorite Beatle said it best:



In the end, I have to have faith that things will turn out alright and be happy about my impending return to the workplace, because, as a friend said to me a few weeks ago, "a good mom is a happy one."